Tears of a clown

When you go through a series of life changes it's only logical that at some point you are going to reach your breaking point. 

I struggle with this.

I want to stay positive and focused and just push myself as hard as I can, but at the same time Im not sure if I am being realistic. 

It's hard to go from being able to walk to a wheelchair/walker. To have to relearn pretty everything all over again.

And if that wasn't enough lets throw in relocating and a breakup into the mix. 

Which lets be honest should be called a break down because there is nothing uplifting about it. 

I find myself being jealous of people that can walk, drive, hell even dance (Which apparently I'm terrible at).

I get upset and wonder if I will ever be able to do those things again. 

I knows lot of people with chronic illness think it's all part of a larger plan.

I have a hard time with this theory. If that's the case your plan sucks! 

What is the point of this plan? And if one more person says "God only gives you what you can handle" to me I may legit lose my mind. 

People ask me why I'm not more mad about things. 

Well I am mad. Mad, frustrated and genuinely annoyed. I don't understand why this happened or the timining of it happening or if I will ever fully get past this. 

The last few years have been the hardest of my life and it really sucks to know that when your life goes to shit people will just give up on you. 

The pain only makes you stronger. When I got that tattooed on me I didn't even know the half of the pain a body can endure. 

I sit here typing this with blurred vision because I cannot stop the tears from erupting from my face.

95% of the time I am positive, funny, nice and even happy. Some days I just break down.  I guess sometimes you just need to do that in order to really cope with the challenges every day life brings. 

Working on liking the new me and accepting that things are the way they  they are and I can't change that. 

It's just so hard when you never wanted there to be a new version of yourself. 

When your version 2.0 is not living up to 1.0 standards. 

I just miss being able to do so many things that everyone takes for granted on a daily basis. 

It's hard sometimes being broken. 

Especially when everyone is constantly trying to fix you and you don't even know how to fix yourself.