I got onto my knees and thought maybe if I pulled myself up I could get my legs under me and push myself up and into bed.
This was a false assumption!
I got onto my knees and my upper body onto bed but then couldn't readjust my legs the way I needed to in order to get into bed.
No matter what way I shifted they just hurt and Andrew came and helped me. Then I lay on the floor and cried for a good 20 minutes.
Sometimes no matter how positive I am there are just days that I feel sorry for myself and wish this never happened. I get that wishing won't accomplish anything but this struggle is insane at times and I constantly am having an inner struggle with myself.
Old me vs present me vs future me.
Of course I don't know what the future holds but I have high expectations for myself!
I'm very grumpy today so I feel like perhaps making a list of frustrations may make me feel better ?
1. I miss being able to give a person (especially my boyfriend) a normal hug! Not an I'm sitting down half ass hug a real one! One of those really good ones where you don't want to let go! Some days especially days like today I really could use one of those but until I get my balance back I don't think that's happening.
2. Asking for help! I was such an independent person that it kills me to have to ask for help with everything! I can't reach the dishes, can you open the oven?, can you bring the waters upstairs, check the mailbox, pickup a package? The list is long and I feel bad every single time I have to ask for something. I don't know why I just do and I can't help it.
3. My body aches I would love to take a bath but I'm not sure I would be able to get myself out of the tub while wet. Bathes used to be my way of winding down and getting rid of stress and now I can no longer do so :(
4. Feeling left out of everything.
Life goes on and people are constantly doing things that I feel like I'm missing out on. So and so went on a sushi date and I'm all "must be nice to be able to just have an impromtu date and not worry about how you will get there or what the seating is like, are there any stairs?, what's the bathroom situation?"
Yes ugly bitter Betty rears her ugly head from time to time guys! I think that's only natural when dealing with a chronic illness. I'm not saying I feel like this all the time because trust me I don't, but from time to time yes I feel like the work is moving on without me.
5. Texting someone and never hearing back from them.
This is a general pet peeve of mine, but I feel like it happens more so now.
If you don't know what to say to me that's fine. I promise I don't just talk about treatment and pain meds. Quite the opposite actually. 9 times out of 10 I want to talk about anything besides what is going on with me. Goes back to old me vs current me! I want to do my best to feel like old me so I pretend current events haven't changed me much. I mean personality wise they haven't but physically they have.
6. Feeling like I have no control over my body. Swollen legs, face and fingers. Stretch marks, water retention and constant numbness and tingling! Drives me absolute insane! I want my knees to work properly and not be all jenky when walking. Id love to go out with my bf and not feel like people give me stairs and wonder why he's with me. Basically having no control over how my body looks has taken a major toll on my self esteem. I try really hard to tell myself it's only a phase and I will get through it but damn is life a bitch sometimes!
7. A proper date with my man, dinner and a movie would be so nice! I am just so afraid of the dark theater. Depending on what car we take I may have to take my transfer chair and I cannot use my walker in the dark because I need to be able to see my feet. Leaves quite the dilemma if I need a bathroom break! I keep trying to talk myself into it but there's just so many stupid factors to plan around and I honestly hate it!
Basically some days I wish I will wake up and this is all a bad dream.
Wake up as 2012 me and wash away all my worries. While I hate that this is happening to me it's definitely making me appreciate the little things in life more. I keep trying to focus on the good and go from there.
This month I have been really pushing myself to exceed my expectations and hopefully things will keep moving in the right direction.
Tomorrow starts my first week of 60mg/10mg intervals. I'm feeling a bit nervous about it as I haven't gotten past this point. Last time my knees got wonky at 15mg and I was boosted back to 30mg.
As much as I hate the steroids they have been helping me get stronger and I am terrified of coming off them even though they are really doing a number on my body!
Ugh ok I am feeling a bit better after getting all this out of my brain.
Off to relax with Andrew now.
Hope you all are having a great night xox
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