I have such a hard time buying into this. My inner Brain just screams "if god is on your side why are you sick to begin with?!". For the most part I fight back the urge to scream this at people, mostly because the last thing I want to do is start a religion debate in a support group.
I get that everyone has their own way of dealing with things and prayer can be quite powerful to those individuals, but I'm not like them.
I will never turn down a prayer, I mean if you believe it will help me and choose to do so then I will never tell you not to. I am thankful that you think highly enough of me to do so actually. I just have a hard time putting all my faith into something I am not even sure I believe in.
I just feel like if there is a god, he sure as fuck isn't on my side.
There's been so many times in my life that I have cried out to someone anyone who may have been "listening".
So many times I have felt even more so disappointed afterwards.
People always say to me "god only gives you what you can handle".
Well you know what some days I can't handle this. I honestly cannot deal with it, but you know what I have no choice.
I have to deal with what I've been given one way or another. Some days are harder and filled with tears and others I wear a smile and fight through the day.
Just because I have to deal with it tho doesn't mean that others have to as well.
It's a tough pill to swallow and it's not for everyone. It's hard sometimes for others to see the big picture. They just see the now which is disabled me.
Do I blame people? No of course not. It's hard to go through something like this, watching someone you love struggle is never fun. I'm still me though, it's just I come with a lot more accessories these days.
Do I thank god for giving me this experience? No
I see so many people who I know are trying to be positive and upbeat and are all "instead of why me, why not me?" Because this is a horrible fucking thing to deal with. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I agree having why me moments is probably not the most positive outlook but you know what there are days when I want to fucking know WHY ME? Is this a life learning lesson? It sure as fuck feels that way.
Am I saying that there isn't a supreme being up there? No I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that without any real proof I might as well be praying to batman.
It's easy when your sick to want to reach out to someone or something to try and help you. I try and remain realistic in my choices when I do this.
I believe in the love and support of my family and friends.
My parents and loved ones I hope can have patience through this long and drawn out process. That someone give them comfort in knowing there's things they cannot change for me and I myself cannot change. I may always need additional help. I mean even if my legs start working better again and I can get around on my own there is still a chance I will still need help with things. I just hope that when that time comes (or doesn't come) they will know that I love them no matter what!
I believe in a positive outlook.
The more positive I feel about things the easier I find them to deal with.
I know I have days where I don't want to get out of bed and Debbie downer grasps my spirits and shatters them. I know there will be good days and bad. It's hard to explain that to someone who isn't inside my body. Until someone has really dealt with this they really have no clue as to how you are feeling.
Some days the 20 feet from the car is a breeze and others I feel like bugs bunny crawling through the Sahara desert in search of a water hole!
I believe in my doctor and that she has my best interest in mind. So many people I hear complaining about their doctor and how they don't listen to them etc. I always ask all my questions and am usually satisfied with the answers.
She remains realistic yet optimistic which gives me hope things will change.
Basically I'm just saying that it's fine if you believe in god saving you from this horrible disease, but you need to also have faith in yourself.
You yourself are in control of your own destiny.
It's going to take a lot of hard work and dedication but I know I will get there! I may not be the same physically as I was before but I'm still the same person.
I just want to get to a point where I no longer need this chair.
My main goal for PT was to be able to get around solely with my walker.
I think that would make things a lot easier on other people that want to hang out with me and go places. It seems that once you can't drive or really get around on your own the people willing to hang out are kinda slim. The ones who are willing I love you more than you know cuz you help keep me sane!
Hell I would love to just be at a point where I feel comfortable enough to go to a movie. I get nervous thinking about having to use the public restroom alone. I get nervous about having to wheel in the dark alone. I just feel like there's so many factors that scare the shit out of me.
Having your life turned upside down I guess takes some adjusting.
I guess I just really feel like at this point I just have to have patience and stop worrying about everything so much.
It's easier said than done though.
I feel like a ball of stress.
I just don't like not knowing the fate of things to come. I wish that SS would have to give you an answer sooner than 121 days. I would like to know if after June I will still have income coming in to pay my bills and my medical insurance.
I wish that I had extra money to spend on frivolous things like a massage because all my muscles in my neck and shoulders are beyond tight.
For now though I'm just trying to deal with what I've got and make it through the days.
Here's hoping today is a good day xo
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