Thoughtful Thursday

Could it possibly be that I've run out of things to say? 

I mean I feel like each day I start writing a blog post but never finish it.

I guess maybe because I find myself boring and my day to day routine to be kind of a drag. 

I long for a better time when I can enjoy the sunshine on my face (with SPF 50+ of course) a fresh squeezed lemon in my water and contemplate life with my loved ones. 

I'm hoping in real life the scenario will be as serene as it is in my head.

Although I know the Michigan humidity will probably have my sweating worse than the prednisone, but hopefully by that point I can actually wear a pony tail. 

Have you ever tried to do a ponytail while your hand was asleep? That's how mine feel on the daily and trust me it's hard! Maybe hair clips.

Speaking of hands being asleep, I woke up this morning and must have slept on my hand it was asleep on top of my normal numbness. It was the most bizarre feeling I have experienced. I shook it a few times and was able to shake it awake but sadly still numb. 

Yesterday I spent most of my day going through drawers and trying to organize and pack. I did find my extra set of truck keys to give to the truck shippers. They still have the keychain from the last time if was shipped. 

I found old valentines in my drawer that made me sad that this journey in my life is over. It really is an end of an era.

I threw away a bunch of things I found, like an old hair extension which I'm not entirely sure why I was keeping and a 5 year old prescription that I guess I wasn't sure If I was going to need again. Heh 

Slimmmed down on the items in remaining drawers and put the rest into a box. Typically I hate packing and like to get it done early, but this situation isn't typical in the slightest.

I've been trying not to be too emotional and keep my positive attitude going since that seems to be what helps me best when it comes to this disease and my health. Although I feel like this disease has taken so much that I love away from me and that leaves part of me angry. 

My ability to walk 

My ability to use my hands for things like typing/writing (which I'm working on getting back)

My ability to drive 

My independence 

My job

Some of my friends 

And now my relationship, Cali life and my fur babies. 

It's really quite depressing when I put it down on virtual paper. The only thing that keeps me going is the idea that if I keep pushing I will get through all this. I mean I know I will have this for the rest of my life, but there are people that have reached a remission point where they don't experience any symptoms anymore. 

Everyone has told me the first few years is the hardest and I can see why. 

It really puts a strain on relationships and you always feel like a burden. 

I feel like it's important that everyone knows I'm trying. 

The other day I did 24 laps between rooms. I almost can't even believe it since there was a time when walk in only half a lap would wear me out so bad I had to take a break. I feel like even if no one else cares I will give myself a pat on the back for that! 

Although with such an achievement comes the complete soreness of the next day and not wanting to really to much. Not that it mattered because my 50mg of prednisone yesterday had me sweating like I did a damn marathon! 

Yesterday I had a conversation with my friend Samantha about my stretch marks and how I feel like I look like I've been gutted. They have gotten worse from December until now as you will see in the photo below: 

The top photo is my thigh and the bottom obviously my belly. Typically I would not be about showing off my belly but I am trying to be as honest as possible in my blog and I feel like I will be able to look back and see how far I've come. The neuro said these are caused by the high dose steroids and should stop once the dosage drops a bit. 

I also started back logging my food on my fitness pal. Although they said I should be eating 1500 calories a day but when I googled it said 1250-1400 so I made some adjustments. 

I'm also trying to eat overall healthier which I'm hoping that will help. Even if it's slowly I need to shed the weight I gained from these drugs and my double stuffed Oreo cookie addiction last summer. It's a real thing there was an article! Ha

I think once I lose some weigh I will feel more confident in my looks and my joints will have less weight to try and support! 

I have always been very supportive of myself and my "different" qualities. I embrace the fact that I am bizarre and borderline strange. I never have fit the mold of "normal" ever since in my teenage years I discovered hair dye! 

So I'm not quite sure why I have such difficulty with embracing the things that are different about me now. 

My cheetah looking stomach, my zombie walk and even my wheelchair. 

I feel embarrassed sometimes when I make a misstep or if someone sees me fall and I know I shouldn't but I do. 

I'm trying really hard to embrace this new body life has given me, but damn is it hard! Part of me doesn't want to accept it because I don't want to always be this way! I know there's a chance I might be, but there's still a chance I won't and I'm holding off hope that one day I can get by with a cane. 

Hell right now I would be happy to get by with just a walker. Before you think this post has gone into Debbie downer mode please know that it hasn't.  I just want to be realistic. 

I think once I have made the move and settled back in Michigan things will start to look up. Hopefully I can get around a bit better and do some walking outside. 

I'm hoping to find a doctor that I like as well as physical therapy and keep on trucking along.

I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life that have made this journey just a bit easier. 

There's so many things I am going to miss about California, I can't even begin to list them all, but for starters the people. 

Just hoping this next chapter in my life is a little easier on me. This past year has been a bit rough.